“Do you want to dance?” – “No!”. Being rejected is one of the most frustrating experiences in dance environments and, sooner or later, every dancer will have to face it. In this post, I will break down everything related to rejection and offer advice on how to minimize the chances of being rejected, how to react in a healthy way when someone declines your invitation, and how to reject others respectfully, both for your sake and theirs.
Understanding rejections
First, let’s agree on a definition: what exactly is a rejection? Rejection is the act of declining a dance invitation and closing off any possibility of appeal.
Therefore, a rejection isn’t just about saying no – it also means there’s no follow-up or openness to dance later. In contrast, when there is some openness, it’s merely a postponement (even if indefinite)1.
Rejection is the act of declining an invitation to the dance, closing off any possibility of appeal
The most common form of rejection is simply hearing or receiving a “no” in response to an invitation. On the other hand, a postponement usually involves saying, “I’m taking a break,” ideally followed by something like, “Let’s dance later.”
Both rejecting and postponing are legitimate actions but come with consequences. To be clear: in this post, I am not justifying or asking you to understand rejections. I am simply explaining a phenomenon and allowing you to draw your own conclusions.
Consequences of being rejected
Rejection exposes a person to unpleasant feelings. Being repeatedly rejected can hurt, as it taps into our human nature. Our brains evolved to react strongly to exclusion when social inclusion was a matter of survival.
As social beings, we seek validation and approval from others. Feeling connected satisfies our need to belong, which is instead challenged when we feel rejected. The impact is greater when dancing is a significant part of our lives and negligible when it’s just a casual hobby.
In social dancing a single rejection is often enough to blacklist a person
Therefore, in social dancing, a single rejection is often a very good reason to blacklist2 a person permanently. Blacklisting, like rejection, is also a legitimate behavior3 and respected the same.
The Role of Gender Equality in Rejection
It’s essential to recognize the influence of gender equality in modern society. Men are taught to respect a woman’s “no” without insisting, pressuring, or “stalking”. Gender equality is also the reason why reciprocity is expected from women: they should participate actively, take initiative, and invite others to dance just as men do.
In social dancing the reciprocity is an important value
Failing to show reciprocity often leads to passive rejection. If you never take the initiative and only wait to be invited, over time, you will receive fewer invitations and eventually isolated.
Why dancers rejects and how to avoid it
Dancers attend social events for different reasons: for the good feeling intrinsic to move at the rhythm of the music, disconnect from stress, have fun, meet people, socialize, or improve their skills. Generally, we’re happy to dance with anyone around.
Since the primary goal is to have a good time, tolerance for stress or negativity is very low. People naturally avoid unpleasant situations by being selective with invitations or rejecting dances.
Common reasons for rejection include:
- They just want to dance with some specific friends or specific person
- The idea to have an unpleasant experience by dancing with the person inviting them.
- The lack of confidence and the fear that they won’t be able to keep up with the partner.
Whatever is the reason, a good strategy is to invite someone only after getting a clear “green light”. In the world of social dancing there are common patterns: a person who wants to dance will often stand near the dance floor, looking around for a partner. Usually, one person will signal interest, and the other will respond. A simple nod is all it takes to confirm the invitation.
How to reject “the right way”
When you refuse a dance, you’re causing an unpleasant feeling in the other person. That person has exposed himself, and to protect their feelings they will take steps to avoid further negative experiences. This is why it’s important – and in your best interest – to show empathy, making the rejection easier to handle.
Whatever is the reason to decide to reject an invitation, my advice is to be always very respectful of the other person. Behaving in an uncivilized manner by hiding behind the fact that “it is legitimate” to reject a dance is deplorable and destructive behavior. Persons who behave this way are poorly tolerated and therefore grounds for immediate isolation and blacklisting.
If someone is clearly approaching you with the intention of asking you to dance, but you don’t want to, give a “red light” by looking away, moving to a different spot, or subtly signaling that you’re not available for that dance. If that’s doesn’t work, and you still don’t want to dance, simply say “sorry,” preferably with a genuine reason. My advice is to never lie: the person who exposes to invite you will feel mocked and may reasonably start to resent you.
My thoughts
In social dance it is crucial to dance with as many different persons as possible. Therefore, it is wise to invite everyone, regardless of their skill or their age, and to accept at least the first invitation from someone new.
Reciprocity is the key value. If you’re making an effort to invite others, there should be a similar effort on their part. When reciprocity doesn’t happen, people send a clear message. My advice is to do not invite too often a person that does not reciprocate.
Dancers who are almost never rejected will probably perceive rejection as something physiological and this will have no impact on them. This is especially true for those who receive many invitations and don’t need to put themselves out there by inviting others. However, those who face frequent rejection may lose confidence, gradually stop inviting others, and eventually quit altogether. The more someone has invested in dancing, the more painful rejection feels.
Rejecting an invitation is absolutely legitimate, and no explanation is required, though it is appreciated. Rudeness, instead, should never be tolerated. A kind, friendly rejection benefits everyone involved. It would be beneficial if proper etiquette would be taught in dance schools, in order to minimize unpleasant situations.
My personal rule is simple: I never reject a dance unless it’s someone I’ve blacklisted. This only happens when someone is truly disrespectful. If I don’t want to dance, I avoid giving a “green light.” But if invited, I accept. If, for any reason, I don’t want or can’t dance at that moment, I make it clear that I will be the one to return the invitation and ensure that I do so – either that same day or the next time. I behave this way because I believe this behavior is appreciated, makes me feel appreciated and turns in advantage for me and for anyone else.
A successful dance night is a balance of good music, pleasant company and good beer. Dancing with different people means things won’t always be perfect, but with mutual respect, we can all have a great time.
Note: For further information, I recommend you to spend 5 minute and watch the YouTube video linked below, from the channel “Dance With Rasa”, which I am a follower. Her content are based on her long experience and are very valuable for us dancers. My advice is to watch her video and, if you feel like, to support her channel by liking her contents and eventually becoming a follower.
1. Note that rejection is sometimes hidden in disguise, camouflaged by non genuine, false requests to postpone the dance that, despite invitations, will never happen. This is why, according to common sense, any postponement should then reciprocate the invitation to ensure , or else yours will seem like a rejection
2. Blacklisting is the act of decide to cut any (dance) relationship with a person: not inviting him/her anymore and not accepting any invitation, often followed by negative feedback on that person when it comes to share feelings within the friend circle.
3. Note that blacklisting happens sometimes out of spite, but more often than not as a sign of maturity reflecting a mindset like this: If someone doesn’t want to dance with me, there’s no point in insisting on them when there are so many pleasant people around. Also, out of respect for myself, I don’t want to be mocked or treated like a last resort, that is, being put in a position where I have to or want to accept their invitation only when it’s convenient for them, after their constant ‘no’s when they had better options than me around”.